Addiction (Viewed as a Distractor)
Some people are overcome by their feelings. Others purposely or unconsciously ignore or avoid them. There are many proven methods for distracting ourselves from feelings. Some of the more common ones include: abusing alcohol and drugs, overeating, smoking, gambling, compulsive shopping, pornography and masturbation, sex addiction, playing video games to excess, or simply working way too much.
Most clients with alcohol or drug problems, or who suffer from other forms of addiction, are merely trying to distract themselves from painful feelings. For them, we first identify the underlying feelings. Then, we look at ways they can challenge feelings they may have labeled as "overwhelming" and accept and process them in ways that are more satisfying, so that they no longer have to be avoided. These clients ultimately learn that they've been missing out on valuable information that their feelings contain to help them get important needs, wants or desires met. As such, there really is no such thing as a "bad" feeling - although some admittedly feel worse to us than others do. However, feelings that are avoided or go unnamed cannot provide us with the essential information that we need for greater contentment.
Communication Skills
Most people with relationship problems require some help with communication. Frequently, the source of the conflict in relationships is the inability to tell another person what we want or need and to actually be heard by them. Another challenge often reported is the inability to be an effective listener. With such clients, we discuss and reflect upon the ways in which they currently interact to get their needs, wants and desires met and the components needed to become a better communicator and listener. A majority of us use an aggressive or passive-aggressive approach to getting our needs met, which either produce negative side effects or are too indirect to be truly effective. When a person learns how to be more direct and assertive in asking for what they want, they create many more opportunities for fulfillment.
Marc R. Bertone, MA, JD, MFT
4010 Barranca Parkway, Suite 252, Irvine, CA. 92604
(949) 683-0412
marcbertone@me.com
